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LbabiechunsaL
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Name: julia
Birthday: 10/15/1989
Gender: Female
Interests: i'll paint your sky red with the scarlet of my anger; let the words dry upon ur lips; and sip my last drop of glory...
Message: message me
Member Since:
7/8/2002
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| I've finally graduated and summer's already begun...I know it's finally in full swing...now that I've begun my summer jobs... I still don't think that it's actually settled in yet...I don't feel like graduation was the last time that I would lay eyes on all of my high school friends except for a select few, it doesn't feel like I'll no longer walk through the halls of my high school going from class to class by the bells, and it definitely doesn't feel like I'll be leaving home to start college along with the rest of my life. Even though I still have about two months left before I have to be shipped off to Boston, I still feel as though, come September, I'll return to high school and to all the familiar faces I've come to love. Don't get me wrong, I'm plenty excited, but it just doesn't feel real, it just feels like a dream. I haven't actually believed it yet and I definitely haven't felt the loss yet either. Sometimes I wonder how I'll survive on my own, I don't even know how to do my own laundry, let alone cross the street or even follow directions on a subway map!! Gosh I'll probably die during the first semester. -.-;;... I'm scared and excited all into one, but I still can't believe the reality of it...I'll be leaving my friends, family, and boyfriend behind and finally be alone and independent - what I've always wanted, but I can't help but be petrified and uncertain of my decision. How am I going to succeed in my life? What will I even do or become? I can't have a typical job, I refuse to. I need to have something fast and exciting, new and challenging, but also not so stressful that I'll go crazy. I don't know, maybe I should continue to do something in the art field. First semester will be the first time in my life not doing art in school, it'll be horrible and I can't bear knowing that I might not take and create art while in college. I hope that it never comes to that because I know that for my own sanity I have to be able to keep drawing and painting and just creating. I know that I could probably do it on my own time, but I know I wont because it's not really the same, I just can't do it like that, art classes inspire and push me to be creative, it forces me to unlock visions of color and beauty that I wish I could put on paper. Without an art teacher or classroom I'll feel lost and unmotivated. It's a terrible thing, not being a true artist and forced to be academic because having a good steady job and income is more important that something as flaky and difficult as art. Oh what will I do with myself. I'm a loss of direction and purpose in life...what is the meaning of me being here....why am I here.....what am I meant to do and become?? Is there truly something great out there for me, like I'd always hoped there'd be? I can only wish for it and try to strive to achieve some level of greatness. If I only I just knew what I wanted in life. .. | | |
| it's now fourth quarter of senior year, AP's are less than a month away and then i'm graduating in June and this year will come to an end. i have to make a college decision by may 1sr but i'm limiting myself to April 25th as my own deadline. i'm conflicted on where to go...i could go to NYU and take out almost 30 grand in loans per year, or go to BU and take out only 7 grand or maybe even Stony Brook for 5 grand a year. nyu's my dream but i just can't afford...bu's the perfect alternate except its too far and stony is the polar opposite with the typical college life but there's the boyfriend factor to consider and also academics. i'm trying to think about whether i want to start completely anew with new friends, new home, new state, and new identity - i can remake who i am, become a better person, and just start completely over where the majority of the school doesn't know me. i'm scared of making the wrong decision and i'm even more petrified of being alone and also of having regrets. i don't want to have to keep on living with past experiences lingering over my head influencing my decision, not that it wont still be there - but i mean it wont be like a daily reminder...it's hard to explain...idk...i'm really confused with what i want from life, from college, i don't even know what i want to do! i thought my passion was in fasihion or in philosophy or whatever and now i think i should just pursue my personal goal of learning all 3 asian languages and try to minor in dance or just continue to do it at school. my passion is dance, but i'm pretty sure that i can't pursue that. i only wish that i didn't have to make this decision...i can't let my boyfriend influence me but yet i have to consider my financial situation...i wish my family were rich...nyu would be the perfect solution to every insecurity and every confusion that i had...close and far away enough from family, friends, and boyfriend - things will just go on its natural course from there and there would be no outside factors. nyu really is perect for me...in every single aspect that i can think of except for the financial problem. i'm so lost and confused and stressed out about this...its consumed all of my thoughts and if i'm afraid that i'll want to change my mind once i make my decision and i'm afraid that i'll make the wrong decision..the wrong choice. i literally feel torn apart in every single direction with worries and stress about various different thins that i might just be going insane. i've lost all passion for the present and i guess this is similar to having "senioritis" but i don't think its quite the same. i'm just really lost right now and i feel like i have nowhere to turn and no one to go to because this is my own life and my own choice and decision. i'm the most unsure person in the world...once i make a choice or a decision i end up thinking about it more after i've made it and wish that i could change my mind. i don't want to regret my college decision but i also don't want to miss out on anything that could be possibly better for me. i don't know...i just really don't know anymore...it was always nyu first, bu second and stony third, and now i'm just literally confused. i never thought i'd get into all my schools except for cornell, then again cornell was just for fun but its better that its not on my list because it would've been harder for me to deal with - decision wise. i just wish i could ask someone who would know the right answer for me....i guess, in a way, i wish that god would tell me what to do and lead me in the right direction...i'm just so lost and confused now.....i really wish he would... | | |
| wow it's new year's eve already and 2007 will begin anew and what a year it has been. i've finally realized who my real friends are and who i know i can trust yet i'm still trying to find out about who i am...heh.. figures...not everything can be perfect... neways i'm in college now...two of my safeties have accepted me: northeastern university and suny new paltz...happy about that....i just sent in my cornell and b.u. apps so i'll have to wait and see and my FIT isn't quite finished...i'm debating on what to do...shall i pursue it or not? and i have one more left: nyu gallatin here i come..thank god ur due 1/15..=] neways i've decided that i really don't have top choice schools anymore...there are so many paths to take...i don't even know if i want to be in nyc anymore...like i know i love nyu...but will i be happy there? will i be happy in a more isolated suburban/rural place where i can just breathe and relax?? i really don't know anymore...there are just so many decisions and choices to make about my future that i'm petrified of what will come of my decisions....i don't think i know what i want yet...and perhaps i never have? on top of that i also have to worry about school....soooooooo much work.... the week i get back from school is fashion show hell week plus 2 day debate in integration. next i have to write the 12 pg int. paper and the 5 pg. eng paper on a genre and book that i haven't really started researching/reading yet...fudge....i've also got to complete 3 more art pieces this quarter and this is all for january before 2nd quarter ends!!...wtfreakkkkkkk......why are teachers so crazy on papers...i also have to memorize my lines for the winter play by the 13th and do a portrait of an elderly lady by next friday. holy crap and i also have a presentation/bio paper due on an architect for architectural drawing...AND creative writing pieces: calligram/ mind maps/ villanelle/ memoires/ more poetry...crap crap crap...omg what a waste of this vacation...i suck....-.-;; i cannot wait until second quarter ends and i become a second semester senior...i'll at least have 4 frees on 4/5 days in the week...sigh*...i just hope i get everything done in time...>.< | | |
| the sweet 17 is coming up in a day...early thanks to all the people for coming tonight and celebrating it with me early. it's gonna be fun and i can't wait. love all my friends..<33
it's mid october already and i've sent out suny apps already. next up are common apps and then my essays and supplements. it feels so surreal...the very actions that i thought would never arrive for me to complete have finally come and it's so weird. i don't know how to feel..i'm applying to college and i'm going to end up leaving. it would be perfect if i could continue to go to college with all my h.s. friends but it may not be like that. we all applied to stonybrook and nyu....but wil we stay together? do we belong together until the very end? everlasting friendship is a wistful dream and i only hope that it can come true.
about 8 months left until graduation and i don't want it to end yet. summer's only 2 and a half months and it's not enough to say goodbye. man i sound like i already am..
time is so short...i'll miss you all so much...
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| I can't believe this is the last year. It's only just begun but I can already feel the dread when it ends. Sure, right now colleges are what fills my mind the most, but still, I can't believe it'll all be over soon... My Schedule's not too bad, but what's worse is that I hardly see my ladies anymore. It saddens me that we might have to part one day and I feel like I might not be able to bear it... I think I have a college list so far: Cornell, NYU, Boston U, suny F.I.T., suny Stoneybrooke, suny new platz. Maybe I'll add a few more, but I think that's it... Well, I don't have much to say but that I love all my bestest and greatest friends truly and dearly. Good Luck with this year. x3 | | |
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